Coffee, Humour, Originally Written Elsewhere

Does an Espresso Bean Cure All Stomach Ailments? – Another Human Experiment

Originally posted at, Mon, 02/28/2011 – 12:31


So, there I am.  Standing.  But I wish I was sitting…because I have a certain common bowel-related ailment going on.  But that’s more than you need to know.  Let’s just call it a ‘stomach ailment’.

For a few hours I endured the usual challenges associated with this ailment but on hour three I recalled an eastern European-sounding man who came into my shop to create the following dialogue:

Man: I want coffee bean.
Me: Ok… Would you like 200 or 400 grams?
Man: No. I just want coffee bean.
Me:  Well… we sell beans in either 200 or 400 gram quantities.
Man: How much does cost 1 bean?
Me: ONE bean??  WTF, MOFO! (ok, I didn’t actually say that but I thought it.) Sir, we don’t sell individual beans…but, why do you want just one bean?
Man: It fixes stomach.
Me: OH! Sounds good.  Here you go…

But I always wondered if the bean thing actually fixes stomach ailments.  I was just waiting for such a day as today.

Update 1: 11:15 – I have eaten, raw, two individual espresso beans.

Update 2: 11:45 – I have to admit it: I’m not thinking about my stomach much and my ‘general energy’ is up.  Was it because I haven’t had a coffee yet?  Is there a placebo effect kicking in?

Update 3: the next day – Some have inquired about the final results.  I must say that I am uncertain as to whether the fact I felt reasonably better a few hours later was because of the beans or not, but I did feel better.  One customer thinks it was the placebo effect.  I maintain that expresso beans cure all stomach ailments because here I am. Cured.

I invite anyone in our catchment area to sign up for this experiment.  I will administer one bean to you as necessary and until you are healed.  We will publish the results and you’ll be famous for sure.

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