Business, Humour, Life Skills, Originally Written Elsewhere

Patchouli Oil – The Easy Way to Lose Friends and Kill People

Originally posted at, Thu, 03/03/2011 – 20:20
It started with a gagging feeling in the back of my throat.  You know – the one you get if you stick your finger far enough back.  Usually it causes a kind of automatic ‘wwwweck!’ sound, but I digress.  Then, a kind of dry-eye feeling (if that’s a feeling) arose.  Sounds bad, but it’s actually kind of deceptive. The first time I smelled it, it had a kind of floral innocence to it.

For those of you like me who don’t know anything beyond deodorant, patchouli oil is nothing but bad.  However, if you research it online, you’ll find that it’s nothing but good!  All I can tell you is that if you want to wear that stuff in public, please go and get a permit from the city for transporting toxic material, in addition to gas masks for the rest of us who happen to spend our day working with the public.  Don’t make it awkward for us.  Just notice the great circle of emptiness forming around you.  Then, by using simple deduction ask yourself the following questions:

  • Did I fart? No.  Ok.  It’s not my fart.
  • Is the music from headphones bothering them? No. I’m not playing music.
  • Did I shower today?  Yes. I showered today.
  • Do I have body odour?  *Sniff* Nope.  No body odour (*Note – ask your friend to confirm this one)

No?  None of the above?  Ok.  Then ask yourself:

  • Is possibly the cause of the circle of emptiness around me this offensive rare-earth fermented flower oil crap called ‘patchouli’ that I’m wearing?

YES, CHAMP, IT IS!   It’s your batch of patch and you shouldn’t wear it in confined areas like…well…in any indoor area within the Canadian borders.

Thank you so much for your cooperation and we hope you can regain those lost friends and the casualties who may have fallen as a result of allergic reactions or excessive gagging causing death.

– Management

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20 thoughts on “Patchouli Oil – The Easy Way to Lose Friends and Kill People

  1. Patchouli is the olfactory equivalent of having a red-hot screwdriver jammed forcefully into one’s sinuses.

  2. This is the MOST disgusting odor on the planet, and it appears that everyone is wearing it. The worst part is to have to be around people who REFUSE to bathe, and then, they slather on this putrid and foul oil. I think it reeks of unwashed rear end. I think people should be fined for wearing this crap. It makes me puke, and then, these stinky big women always want to hug you and if you’re hugged by one of them, it takes 50 years to eradicate the funk. Wouldn’t it be easier just to wash your rear end? I don’t want to smell the fecal odor.

  3. the opposite I love patchouli, specially if I let the oil to “mature” at the least 2 years, then the acidity of the new oil is gone so a more round-bold-sweet and musky smell is left that is simply heavenly; I normally wear Aramis and Quorum colognes/aftershaves but patchouli is just a mystic and enigmatic scent that some people find awful but others like me like so much that I wear the oil with caution as it’s very strong but when you put it on your skin with care of not bathing on it, you’ll find that the fragrance of patchouli is just a fantastic and very particular and total different from the normal cologne you put on for everyday use.

    1. To each their own. I think the issue here is twofold:
      1. A lot of patchouli wearers have poor hygiene.
      2. A lot of people use too much.

      I’m a man who is well groomed and I absolutely love patchouli (and so do the people in my life). I can’t tell you how many hugs end with “wow, you smell great.”

      The key to this scent is that less is more. And the lesser the better. One tiny drop on the chest under a clean shirt is all you need. It forms a subtle base scent that lasts. If you do it right, people don’t recognize the patchouli…just that you smell good.

      This base layer also works well with a light lavender soap.

      1. Thanks for your comments. I’ll let you test this out with someone closer to your neighbourhood though 😉 Sadly my first encounters with the nasty-patchy have forever ruined any hopes of me going out of my way to give it a second chance, ha.

  4. I agree that it is terrible. I work with someone who wears it and every room she walks into has the thick stench lingering in the air. I think when mixed with someones personal odor it can even create an even more putrescent odor. It mixes with her very bad breath and honestly I gag being 10 feet away or walking into space she has been in. How do you tell someone something like this without hurting their feelings I wonder. Instead I am repelled by here and run away whenever she comes close to me. Poor woman can’t seem to understand why I am happy to chat and talk to everyone else that works with me.

    1. lol! I think this thing is like licorice: you like it or you hate it. I think those who like it assume that others do as well. I was also thinking maybe there are ‘good versions’ and ‘sewer water versions’ out there. Maybe these poor folks bought that? I have a unique experience in the next few weeks to sample 100% pure patchouli oil so after I smell, test, try one right from the source, I’ll try to remember to post my follow up here. As hard as it is, I will try to remain open minded. For your friend, I’m a big believer in being transparent. It’s easier to discuss this than someone who has a bad natural stink or perhaps a big chunk of beef stuck in their front tooth so… maybe approach it directly and say to yourself “At least this is not a natural issue I have to approach so they won’t be as embarrassed” – haha Good luck and let us know if you actually do this in the comments here. At least I will be interested to hear how that goes.

  5. I despise patchouli. I am extremely sensitive to rose scents, which I love, but also to patchouli which I hate. It smells different in different colognes or perfumes, but it smells like dirt and mold to me. Somehow, though, I would rather smell the actual odors of dirt or mold than patchouli (ignoring the health risks of mold). This one older woman in one my college classes wore this horrible patchouli fragrance that made the entire classroom smell like an old musty, moldy attic. I chose to sit on the opposite side of the classroom next to the woman who reeked of cigarettes.

  6. Smells like burning rubber to me. I can actually taste it in my mouth. It’s vile. Please God people don’t wear it. Be aware that some of us don’t smell it the same way you do and that it’s really offensive to us. No matter how nice it smells to you, we’re feeling sickened by it.

  7. I love the scent. It’s earthy it doesn’t have any animal by products and I have worn it forever. I get compliments all the time. Not sure why ur saying this but to each his own

    1. Lisa, darling, I don’t mean this with hate or malice towards you.
      The people who like it will say it to you.
      The people who don’t like it won’t say anything.
      So, it’s the minority of people telling you they like it.
      The vast majority of people, who don’t say anything to you, range from not liking it to being sickened by it.
      Patchouli smells like the devil’s a-hole.
      It is rancid, sour, vile.
      It doesn’t matter if it’s in the most expensive perfume or on its own, it is completely rank.
      People are too polite to say. I’ve NEVER told any patchouli wearers that they smell like they’ve bathed in elephant urine, but since this is specifically asking/commenting about it, this is how it smells to me.
      Like bile mixed with a dab of ancient faeces. Nauseating.

  8. I am one who hates the smell of patchouli. There is a guy who works out at my gym every day. I think he showers in it, as I can smell him long before I ever see him. He’s been wearing it for several years, before the COVID shutdown. I don’t understand why those few people he chats with don’t say something to him. My eyes burn when he walks past me, and he walks ALL OVER the gym. Several people at work wear that scent too. I describe it as a spicy scent, not earthy at all. I love the smell of musk and this odor smells nothing like musk to me. I wish it was not so popular.

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