Wake Up and Smell the Coffee, Dang it!

There are some of you out there who just don’t seem to get it.  You either say you don’t like coffee or you drink bad coffee – and both of these illnesses need to be cured quickly before it spreads to other innocent victims.

This week, in the office lunchroom, I was privy to hear the following statement made:

“That’s awesome! The McDonalds coffee [they sell it in tin cans, if you didn’t know] has been replaced by Tim Horton’s coffee! Finally!  This is so good!!  This coffee is SO much better!”

I almost, nearly, borderline, got closed to ripping my own ears and skin off and jumping out the window.  But I held back for the greater good.  I took a deep breath and kept my big mouth shut.  I decided to view this poor woman for what she is – a victim of marketing and sheltered from the truth.

I viewed her much the way people probably view me when they ask me about wine or sports.  Sometimes we just do things because we don’t have time to figure out a better way or simply because don’t know that we are lost.

You need to first understand that you need coffee.  If you don’t drink coffee, there is something wrong with your DNA.  So start with that.  Go get some fresh roasted beans, have a skilled barista make you a nice cup of espresso or at least an americano.  Then, drink that bad boy black. Don’t add cream, sugar, or any other blasphemy.  Would you do that to your wine?  Didn’t think so.

Now, that you are a coffee drinker, let’s fix your addiction to bad companies and coffee.  First, both of those companies above are not famous for helping the little guy around the world.  Do you want your money going there?  Also, as a quick side note, Tim Horton’s is *not* a Canadian company.  Hasn’t been for years.  Owned by Wendy’s out of the USA I believe…

Coffee is a very sensitive fruit.  It’s a fruit.  It comes from a cherry tree.  In a green bean state coffee is amazingly resilient to time and conditions, but once it’s roasted, the clock is ticking *fast* to get that into your cup and drink it.  If you seal it in a bag whole bean, it’ll keep for a week or so.  If you grind it, good luck.  I don’t think there is any hope at all getting more than a day or two out of it no matter what you do.  And that’s what you are drinking all the time – old, stale coffee.  And that’s also why you are loading it full of cream and sugar, by the way.

Don’t be cheap.  This is not the product you need to cheap out on.  If you are going to cheap out on coffee, make it at home instead of buying it in a store and the savings will be enough to make yourself the best coffee in the world.  The difference between a crap cup of stale coffee and a great cup of super fresh coffee is pennies per cup.  Pennies.  Do not cheap out on this most excellent drink.

Tinned coffee won’t work.

K-cups won’t work.

Bagged coffee won’t work.

Only freshly roasted green beans roasted within days and ground within minutes will work.

Once you change your coffee ways, you’ll be cured!  You’ll be a new man!

I hope this pep talk has encouraged you and given you the necessary slap to your face that will get you back on track.

Victory is yours!

Make the change!

You’ll thank me for this insulting post one day.  Mark my words…

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