Tag: awful

Patchouli Oil – The Easy Way to Lose Friends and Kill People

Originally posted at www.blenzseymour.com, Thu, 03/03/2011 – 20:20
It started with a gagging feeling in the back of my throat.  You know – the one you get if you stick your finger far enough back.  Usually it causes a kind of automatic ‘wwwweck!’ sound, but I digress.  Then, a kind of dry-eye feeling (if that’s a feeling) arose.  Sounds bad, but it’s actually kind of deceptive. The first time I smelled it, it had a kind of floral innocence to it.

For those of you like me who don’t know anything beyond deodorant, patchouli oil is nothing but bad.  However, if you research it online, you’ll find that it’s nothing but good!  All I can tell you is that if you want to wear that stuff in public, please go and get a permit from the city for transporting toxic material, in addition to gas masks for the rest of us who happen to spend our day working with the public.  Don’t make it awkward for us.  Just notice the great circle of emptiness forming around you.  Then, by using simple deduction ask yourself the following questions:

  • Did I fart? No.  Ok.  It’s not my fart.
  • Is the music from headphones bothering them? No. I’m not playing music.
  • Did I shower today?  Yes. I showered today.
  • Do I have body odour?  *Sniff* Nope.  No body odour (*Note – ask your friend to confirm this one)

No?  None of the above?  Ok.  Then ask yourself:

  • Is possibly the cause of the circle of emptiness around me this offensive rare-earth fermented flower oil crap called ‘patchouli’ that I’m wearing?

YES, CHAMP, IT IS!   It’s your batch of patch and you shouldn’t wear it in confined areas like…well…in any indoor area within the Canadian borders.

Thank you so much for your cooperation and we hope you can regain those lost friends and the casualties who may have fallen as a result of allergic reactions or excessive gagging causing death.

– Management

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