Patchouli Oil – The Easy Way to Lose Friends and Kill People

Originally posted at, Thu, 03/03/2011 – 20:20
It started with a gagging feeling in the back of my throat.  You know – the one you get if you stick your finger far enough back.  Usually it causes a kind of automatic ‘wwwweck!’ sound, but I digress.  Then, a kind of dry-eye feeling (if that’s a feeling) arose.  Sounds bad, but it’s actually kind of deceptive. The first time I smelled it, it had a kind of floral innocence to it.

For those of you like me who don’t know anything beyond deodorant, patchouli oil is nothing but bad.  However, if you research it online, you’ll find that it’s nothing but good!  All I can tell you is that if you want to wear that stuff in public, please go and get a permit from the city for transporting toxic material, in addition to gas masks for the rest of us who happen to spend our day working with the public.  Don’t make it awkward for us.  Just notice the great circle of emptiness forming around you.  Then, by using simple deduction ask yourself the following questions:

  • Did I fart? No.  Ok.  It’s not my fart.
  • Is the music from headphones bothering them? No. I’m not playing music.
  • Did I shower today?  Yes. I showered today.
  • Do I have body odour?  *Sniff* Nope.  No body odour (*Note – ask your friend to confirm this one)

No?  None of the above?  Ok.  Then ask yourself:

  • Is possibly the cause of the circle of emptiness around me this offensive rare-earth fermented flower oil crap called ‘patchouli’ that I’m wearing?

YES, CHAMP, IT IS!   It’s your batch of patch and you shouldn’t wear it in confined areas like…well…in any indoor area within the Canadian borders.

Thank you so much for your cooperation and we hope you can regain those lost friends and the casualties who may have fallen as a result of allergic reactions or excessive gagging causing death.

– Management

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6 thoughts on “Patchouli Oil – The Easy Way to Lose Friends and Kill People”

  1. Patchouli is the olfactory equivalent of having a red-hot screwdriver jammed forcefully into one’s sinuses.

  2. This is the MOST disgusting odor on the planet, and it appears that everyone is wearing it. The worst part is to have to be around people who REFUSE to bathe, and then, they slather on this putrid and foul oil. I think it reeks of unwashed rear end. I think people should be fined for wearing this crap. It makes me puke, and then, these stinky big women always want to hug you and if you’re hugged by one of them, it takes 50 years to eradicate the funk. Wouldn’t it be easier just to wash your rear end? I don’t want to smell the fecal odor.

  3. the opposite I love patchouli, specially if I let the oil to “mature” at the least 2 years, then the acidity of the new oil is gone so a more round-bold-sweet and musky smell is left that is simply heavenly; I normally wear Aramis and Quorum colognes/aftershaves but patchouli is just a mystic and enigmatic scent that some people find awful but others like me like so much that I wear the oil with caution as it’s very strong but when you put it on your skin with care of not bathing on it, you’ll find that the fragrance of patchouli is just a fantastic and very particular and total different from the normal cologne you put on for everyday use.

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